Category: Humor

Are Republicans right? Will same-sex marriage ruin civilization?

Same-sex marriage is now legal throughout the USA. This is a good thing, it’s always nice when people get equal treatment under the law. Sadly, not everyone agrees. Such is the speed of modern news and communication that announcement of the Supreme Court decision was essentially immediately followed by furious objections and doom-laden predictions of the collapse of society for various reasons.

It’s easy to dismiss these objections as angry incoherent bitterness from people who can’t or won’t accept that the rest of the human race doesn’t have to conform to their antiquated views, and many people do just that. But what if they’re not? What if there are genuine scientific reasons to fear same-sex marriage? After all, we in the UK know that same-sex marriage caused extreme flooding when it was legalised here, and now that it’s permitted in a country with the size and influence of the USA the consequences could be even more catastrophic. Here are just some possibilities we should brace ourselves for.

The overturning of nature

Governor Mike Huckabee pointed out that for the Supreme Court to legalise same-sex marriage is to overturn nature, which is impossible…

However, same-sex marriage is now legal, so clearly it is possible for humans to overturn nature. This opens up a wide variety of problems, given how nature is responsible for everything that keeps the planet running. Clearly LGBT people have the power to overrule nature to suit their own needs. While we can hope they restrict this ability to things like increasing the number of rainbows, there’s no guarantee of this. What if some careless homosexual is struggling with a heavy suitcase and decides to lower the mass of the planet to reduce the strength of gravity? We’d all be flung out of the atmosphere without warning…

Too many rainbows

As already hinted at, the celebrations of the legalisation of same-sex marriage have resulted in a stark increase in the number of rainbows seen everywhere. The rainbow is the symbol of the LGBT movement, so this makes sense. No harm in rainbows, right?

Wrong! It may seem like harmless celebration to put rainbows in every possible location, but what about the effect this is having on the eyes of those who have to look at them? The retina in the eye relies on photoreceptors, specialised cells that detect light. Because they’re organic and rely on biological processes, these photoreceptors can become exhausted if exposed to a particular stimulus for too long. Constant exposure to rainbows could mean people can’t see colours as well, and this could be disastrous. How will they know when to stop or go at a traffic light? Or which wire to cut when defusing a bomb?

RTFA. Good for a chuckle. A witty rejoinder to the animal spirits of the ignorant. Read on and learn about The climate damage and The slippery slopes.

Let’s-pretend-to-be-journalists at CNN think sex toys sign is jihadist flag!

On Saturday, CNN ran an entire segment on the possible sighting of an Islamic State flag at a pride parade in London.

“Just in: ISIS flag spotted at gay pride parade,” read a banner stretching across the bottom of the news channel’s TV feed as cameras repeatedly panned and zoomed in on what turned out to be a flag featuring crude drawings of sex toys.

“ISIS flag amongst a sea of rainbow colours was spotted by a CNN international assignment editor,” CNN’s anchor said.

The flag was apparently spotted by CNN International reporter Lucy Pawle, who joined the segment via phone to talk about her startling discovery.

“This man dressed in black and white was waving what appears to be a very bad mimicry, but a clear attempt to mimic, the ISIS flag,” Pawle said. “The black and white flag with the distinctive lettering.”

Though Pawle seemed to grasp the inauthenticity of the flag, she failed to realize the humor in it and even reported it to nearby police.

“If you look at the flag closely, it’s clearly not Arabic. In fact, it looks like it could be gobbledygook.”

CNN’s mistake quickly went viral, earning derision from a variety of online news sources. CNN has since removed the video from their website. Mediaite, however, posted a clip of the incident for posterity’s sake.

Amateur entertainers pretending to report on news. The American disease spreads worldwide.

Americans tired of explaining things to idjits


Click to enlarge

Many Americans are tired of explaining things to idiots, particularly when the things in question are so painfully obvious, a new poll indicates.

According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, while millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain incredibly basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.

Of the many obvious things that people are sick and tired of trying to get through the skulls of stupid people, the fact that climate change will cause catastrophic habitat destruction and devastating extinctions tops the list, with a majority saying that they will no longer bother trying to explain this to cretins.

Coming in a close second, statistical proof that gun control has reduced gun deaths in countries around the world is something that a significant number of those polled have given up attempting to break down for morons.

Finally, a majority said that trying to make idiots understand why a flag that symbolizes bigotry and hatred has no business flying over a state capitol only makes the person attempting to explain this want to put his or her fist through a wall.

In a result that suggests a dismal future for the practice of explaining things to idiots, an overwhelming number of those polled said that they were considering abandoning such attempts altogether, with a broad majority agreeing with the statement, “This country is exhausting.”

The Borowitz Report nails it, once again. Though I’ve spent most of my adult life fighting to overcome several of the most significant stupidities in American culture I admit that retirement from work a number of years ago – combined with the Web offering avenues for activism that don’t involve getting into my pickup truck and driving to town – opened the door to a life of being a proper hermit.

Now that my wife has achieved early retirement, we get to be hermits together. Which suits both of us. I can holler at the idjits on television. Which I can turn off. I can harangue the nation via my personal blog. Which I can turn off.

We go for walks with Sheila the dog.

Winnipeg coppers’ sex discussion broadcast to neighborhood – from the sky

winnipeg copper chopper
Voices in the night – from your local copper chopper

Police in the Canadian city of Winnipeg apologized on Tuesday after a lewd conversation about sex was broadcast from the loudspeakers of a police helicopter to a neighborhood below.

Officers on a routine helicopter patrol on Monday night inadvertently activated the aircraft’s public address system while they were having a private conversation…

News of the R-rated conversation took off on Twitter as the city residents who could hear the conversation took to social media to urge the police to turn off their loudspeaker.

Pilots in the Winnipeg police helicopter having a conversation with their loudspeaker on. Pretty funny to hear,” tweeted one resident.

“Does the #Winnipeg chopper realize the entire West End can hear their convo about blow jobs right now?” tweeted another, who noted she was listening from her backyard.

The police service said the incident was being reviewed.

Reviewed? How many stars did it get?

Ketchup bottle QR code brings you to a porn site

A German man who tested out the QR code on a bottle of Heinz ketchup offering a defunct promotion says the code now leads to a porn site.

Daniel Korell wrote to the ketchup firm on Facebook, saying the Heinz Hot Ketchup “is probably not for minors” after he scanned the QR code on his bottle expecting to be taken to a label design contest website and was instead taken to a porn site.

Korell wrote he tried the code with “several phones” and tried manually entering the web address, but he received the same result each time.

Heinz apologized to Korell, saying the company’s ownership of the website expired after the 2012-2014 contest came to a close.

“Even if the bottle was a leftover, it’s still in lots of households,” Korell said in a comment. “It’s incomprehensible that you didn’t reserve the domain for one or two years…”

The chuckle from my side is how many “modern” corporations still haven’t a clue about life on the Web.

TSA agents to simply stand in place and remind passengers we all die someday

Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced…that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday.

“As part of our new security protocol, TSA agents at every checkpoint will carefully inform each passenger that life is a temporary state and that no man can escape the fate that awaits us all,” said acting TSA administrator Mark Hatfield, adding that under the new guidelines, agents will ensure that passengers fully understand and accept the inevitability of death as they proceed through the boarding pass check, luggage screening, and body scanner machines.

“Signs posted throughout the queues will also state that death is unpredictable but guaranteed, and a series of looping PA messages will reiterate to passengers that, even if they survive this flight, they could still easily die in 10 years or even tomorrow.”

Hatfield went on to say that the TSA plans to add a precheck program that will expedite the process for passengers the agency deems comfortable with the ephemeral nature of life.

Har.

THE ONION is always a pleasure. Especially when they are this close to reality.

Scientists have isolated gene for failure

Geneticists at the University of Minnesota believe that they have isolated the gene that makes some people much more prone to failure than others…While the research is preliminary, the scientists said that they were able to successfully identify the failure gene by studying the DNA of males in two generations of the same American family.

“If we have indeed isolated the gene that makes people fail—and we believe we have—all of the subjects in our study are carriers,” said Davis Logsdon, the geneticist who supervised the research.

According to Logsdon, those who carry the gene for failure have “absolutely no idea that they have it” and thus project the confidence and self-assurance of people whose genetic material does not make them likely to wreak havoc on a massive scale.

“Not only does this gene cause people to fail, it makes them fail to understand that they have failed,” he said. “It is a really bad gene.”

And, as we all know, part of the curse of this gene is that it doesn’t keep millions of Americans from voting the carriers of this evolutionary defect into the highest elected offices in the nation.

Andy Borowitz has a proper fey sense of humor