Eideard

A branch of Ikea in Shanghai has set up a special “match-making corner” after its cafeteria became a favourite spot for amorous Chinese singles.

For the past year, large groups of middle-aged Chinese men and women, typically aged between 40 and 60, have gathered at Ikea’s branch in Xuhui in the hope of finding love.

The singles parties have taken place every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, when the Swedish furniture store offers free coffee to holders of its membership card…

Ikea said it was forced to set up a special area for the would-be lovers to stop them from being a nuisance to other customers.

“Before we set up an isolated area for them, they occupied the seats in the dining area for a long time, and thus other guests could not find a seat,” said Shen Jinhua, an employee, to the Shanghai Daily newspaper. “And sometimes our business went down by 15 per cent on their ‘party’ day.”

The marketplace of commerce has long been a useful place for like-minded singles of any age to find each other. Though usually it takes a certain level of maturity for the idea to even occur to someone.

I remember back in the day haunting the baking aisle of better supermarkets – knowing that a conversation about using a biga as the foundation for bread-baking versus following a same-day recipe would likely offer as much potential for a date with a sophisticated someone – as just another variation on focaccia.

This very day, Monday October 26, in the year of Our Lord 2009, at a huge event in Fort Worth, Texas, the latest motivational sensation will explain to a breathless convention how to make good decisions, lots of money and a big reputation. The name of this wonder of the world? George W Bush. Oh my God. Yes, the stumbling folksy Messiah is about to appear back on the radar screen, bearing a formula for personal success. Just when you thought it was safe to go out again.

The event at which the ex-president will be speaking is described online as a “motivational mega-show that packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of dynamite!” Right. Will they have some hideously crippled folk from Baghdad to testify about the effects of dynamite on one’s prospects for success? No, thought not. Dubya will be paid $100,000 for a 40-minute speech showing how you can get in touch with your inner eejit. Maybe he’ll use the money for supplies of OxiClean to get the blood off his hands.

But here’s something even crazier.

The Messiah has appeared at an Ikea store in Glasgow. No, not Dubya. Jesus Christ has shown up in a toilet at the Braehead store of the Swedish furniture giant. Embedded in the gents’ wooden toilet door at Braehead, a bearded face with long hair can be seen…

One shopper is quoted as saying: “It takes you by surprise. It is really clear in the wood. I was only heading to the toilet and found God. It’s certainly not what you expect to find in an Ikea store.” Indeed not. If the image starts bleeding, the Braehead store will become a mega pilgrimage site. Thousands of punters will be able to get a toilet blessing from Jesus as well as a self-assembly wardrobe…

Did I tell you about the Canadian who saw the face of Jesus in a burned fishcake? No, I can’t go on. I’m mildly hysterical already. Meanwhile, George W Bush is getting ready to walk on stage to talk about success.

The world isn’t going mad. It’s simply run by the inmates – and they’re already mad.