When a thief opens your laptop, he could get a shock when it starts to shout “Help, I’ve been stolen!” or, perhaps, something ruder. But that’s one of the options provided by Front Door Software’s $30 Retriever program for Windows XP and Vista.

The software displays your contact details and lets you make the finder or thief an offer, such as “$50 for my safe return”. However, if you log on to a web site to say your PC is missing or stolen, that message will appear in a red and yellow on the laptop’s screen. It reappears every 30 seconds, to be really annoying. You also get the option to switch on a second password prompt.

In the background, Retriever tries to connect via Wi-Fi to report its loss.

And now it has the option to sing out a pre-recorded message: “Help, this laptop is reported lost or stolen. If you are not my owner, please report me now.” If you want something stronger, you can record it yourself.

I think I would have it shout. “Stop me. I’m being used for child porngraphy!”

Saving the children always works in Congress. Har!