How to become a real American citizen – overeat and overreact

Click to enlarge – which you must if you’re a Real AmericanAJ Mast/AP

The White House has announced a new campaign to encourage immigrants living in the United States legally to attain citizenship ahead of next year’s presidential election. Here are some ideas to help them speed up the complicated naturalization process.

Attain Median Obesity

The United States has one of the highest obesity rates in the world, so anyone interested in joining up better start packing on the pounds if they want to fit in. The message on the Statue of Liberty mentions “huddled masses yearning to breathe free”, but if that breath isn’t a sort of wheeze you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb. Sure, fattening up will put you at risk for a variety of health problems, but there’s nothing more typically American than dying due to an inability to navigate our complicated and expensive health system.

Provide proof of overwhelming debt

Being an American means investing in the American economy well past the point of responsibility. This is an easy one to pull off, actually – whenever you’re about to make a purchase, check if they have a bigger version of what you’re interested in buying. If they don’t make it in a larger size, order two. The sweat that pours off your brow upon receiving your next credit card statement is watering the tree of liberty…

Become blind to America’s faults and respond to criticism with extreme outrage

Americans are all about freedom of speech as long as that speech it is their own, especially in this golden era of knee-jerk reactions where it’s possible to post comments and tweets faster than you experience moments of introspection. If you want to be an American citizen, learn how to react now and ask questions never, since asking questions is for people from countries founded upon much less invigorating rhetoric.

RTFA for a few more sections – probably obvious to you – otherwise you wouldn’t have read this far. 🙂

This is stuff I figured out when I was about 17 years old. After 60 years of activism the analysis hasn’t especially changed. Don’t get me wrong. A lot has changed – and it wouldn’t have if we left things in the hands of folks like those in this article. It took lots of folks outside the boundaries of convention and conformity to bring progressive change.

We’re still on the outside.