Trump sons aren’t whistleblowers


Jeremy Sutton-Hibbert/Alamy

(The Borowitz Report) — In what insiders are calling an audacious move to get his older brother cut out of their father’s will, Eric Trump has accused Donald Trump, Jr., of being the whistle-blower.

❝ According to White House sources, Eric marched into the Oval Office on Wednesday morning and announced to his father, “You can stop wondering who this quote-unquote whistle-blower is. It’s Don.”

Reportedly, no sooner had the young Trump made the startling accusation than Don, Jr., himself burst into the room, turning the tables on his sibling by claiming that Eric, and not he, was the actual whistle-blower.

❝ Within seconds, the Trump brothers were viciously wrestling on the Oval Office carpet, while their father looked on, seemingly pleased by the spectacle.

❝ Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, issued a statement in the hopes of defusing this latest controversy. “A forensic analysis of the whistle-blower’s complaint reveals that it was written entirely in complete sentences, thus eliminating both Trump boys as its author,” she said.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

You pay your tab before you leave – not eventually!

❝ There’s been some confusion over whether President Donald Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr., paid their bar tab last week.

While visiting the Trump International Golf Links and Hotel in the village of Doonbeg, Ireland, the pair embarked on a pub crawl that took them to The Igoe Inn Bar and Restaurant, a local hotspot that’s been operating in Doonbeg for more than three generations…

❝ The Irish Mirror later posted a video of the visit in which Don Jr., indeed, offers to pick up a round. “Enjoy, okay?” he tells the crowd. “On us!”

❝ After the Trump sons walked away without immediately footing the bill, Kennedy reportedly made a joke that the brothers didn’t carry any cash…

“We’ll get the money later,” she told the Irish Mirror. “I don’t think we’ve to worry about getting paid for that. I don’t think they carry cash. We were told it’d be all sorted later so there’s no problem.”

The incident seemed like a mix-up — until outlets like the Irish Post and the Daily Beast began reporting that Kennedy had to send the bill to the Trump golf course because the check hadn’t been covered right away.

❝ On Saturday, The Daily Beast clarified that the bar had been given a purchase order number from the golf course, but didn’t say when that order was delivered.

And on Saturday the owners of the pub said they had been paid [eventually] in a post on Facebook. That post is no longer available – as of the publication of this article in Biz Insider.