Inventor of holy water makers charged with fraud after customers complain devices don’t work

A South Korean professor who claimed he could make tap water into holy water will face fraud charges, police say.

The man, named as Prof Kim, claimed he could digitally capture the elements of holy water from Lourdes, France, that believers say has healing powers.

He had sold devices to more than 5,000 people, making almost 1.7bn won ($1.3m, £870,000).

Eight people, including Prof Kim’s wife and brother-in-law, will also be charged.

The famous shrine to the Virgin Mary at Lourdes offers water which some believe has healing powers.

Mr Kim had claimed his ceramic and paper filters, and plastic cards used in water purifiers, had captured those powers for onward transmission…

The police also said that the people who had bought the devices had complained when they did not work.

Write your own punchline (if you can come up with anything better than the final line).

Pope’s sainthood on hold after ‘miracle cure’ nun ill again

Get that fracking bird. He crapped on my tiramisu!”

It was the miracle that set Pope John Paul II on the road to sainthood and provided faithful followers with proof of his holy powers. But hopes that the former pope’s canonisation would be fast-tracked by Sister Marie Simon-Pierre’s recovery from Parkinson’s disease have been set back by reports that the French nun has fallen ill again.

Simon-Pierre described three years ago how she regained her health after a night of prayer to the then recently deceased Polish pontiff. John Paul also suffered from Parkinson’s disease, which is incurable.

“It’s like a second birth,” she said at the time. “I feel like I’ve discovered a new body, new limbs.”

In 2007 Simon-Pierre could barely move her left side, could not write legibly, drive or move around easily and was in constant pain.

Her disease worsened after the pope’s death, and her order prayed for his intervention to ease her suffering. Then after writing his name on a paper one night, she woke up the next day apparently cured and returned to work as a maternity nurse with no traces of the disease.

But according to the Polish daily newspaper Rzeczpospolita, one of the doctors charged with scrutinising the nun’s case believed she might have been suffering from a similar nervous disease, not Parkinson’s, which could go into sudden remission. A report on the paper’s website went further, saying that the 49-year-old nun had become sick again with the same illness.

The Vatican was making no comment on the grounds that the late pope’s case was still under examination.

Ah, the irregular course of miracles. Not that it means anything to True Believers. Say that “it’s so” – and it is so.

Sort of like American foreign policy or a creationist history of the world.

Jesus appears on Massachusetts woman’s iron

At left, Jesus appears eager and willing to do more laundry. At right, woman
shows us her iron while Jesus proudly looks on.

I didn’t panic,” [Mary Jo] Coady told the Herald. “I was carrying the laundry, looked down at the iron and there was the image of Jesus. I picked it up and asked my daughters to take a look at it to make sure I wasn’t crazy.”…

My faith was down, but seeing this made me think, wow, Jesus is there.”

To me, it looks more like René Descartes. But I’m probably just in denial.

What a bummer! Virgin Mary is slowly leaving the hospital!

Here she was last year, when any idiot could clearly make her out.

An image many of the faithful took as a miraculous manifestation of the Virgin Mary is fading from the window at Mercy Hospital where it appeared in September 2008.

The rainbow-hued image is slowly being replaced by a white crystalline residue, said Mark M. Fulco, senior vice president for strategy and marketing at Mercy. The fading bolsters expert opinion that the image was caused by moisture infiltrating between the panes of glass through a faulty rubber seal.

Now that the window has been removed and stored, the water is evaporating and leaving behind the white residue.

[Last year,] word of the image spread quickly. Soon large crowds had gathered in the parking lot below, many clutching pictures of Mary or reciting the Lord’s Prayer in a number of languages. A makeshift shrine of flowers and votive candles grew near the building entrance.

The vision placed Mercy, a Catholic institution affiliated with the Sisters of Providence, in a quandary because the devotion was holding up the window replacement work. After eight days, Mercy had workers gingerly remove the window, place it in a specially built case and take it to a storage location that Fulco said he cannot identify even to this day for fear of crowds gathering at the storage site.

This last paragraph borders on the hilarious. I can just hear the workmen muttering, “Cripes!”