How drunk do you have to be to try for sex with an ATM machine?

A man was arrested Friday night after he tried to have sex with an ATM and a picnic table at a local bar, according to an arrest report from the Murfreesboro [Tennessee] Police Department.

Lonnie J. Hutton, 49, of Old Lascassas Pike was charged with public intoxication around 9:30 Friday night following an incident at The Boro Bar & Grille, Officer Michael Rickard reported.

“Mr. Hutton entered the bar and walked to the ATM. Once at the ATM, Mr. Hutton pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals, Mr. Hutton then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM,” Rickard said.

The suspect then walked around the bar wearing no pants while he thrust his hips in the air, witnesses told the officer.

Bar staff then escorted Hutton outside, Rickard said.

“Once outside Mr. Hutton again exposed himself and (attempted to) engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table,” Rickard said.

The officer said Hutton appeared intoxicated and smelled of alcohol.

Hutton was transported to the Rutherford County Adult Detention Center where he is being held on $250 bond. He is scheduled to appear July 1 in General Sessions Court.

Har!

Dumb Crook of the Day!

Two armed robbers, one of whom left a T-shirt bearing his photo and name at the scene of the crime, and their female accomplice were captured early Sunday morning just minutes after firing multiple rounds during a robbery at a Rutherford County bar, police said.

Twenty-two-year-old Kendell M. Swader…his 20-year-old girlfriend, Whitney Elliott…and accomplice Antonyo O. Roper, 18, all of Murfreesboro, have all made bond…

The victims told police that two males and a female were hanging around The Spot…from about 1 a.m. Sunday until it closed two hours later…

During that time, the men came in to buy drinks and one of them removed a T-shirt bearing his photo and family name and tattoos. He left his T-shirt lying in the bar.

When the bar closed, the three were waiting in the parking lot and reportedly re-entered the bar armed with a .40-caliber pistol and took both the cash drawer from the register and a bank money bag full of cash.

Despite getting the money, one of the two men said “shoot them” as they were leaving. The victims ducked and heard four shots. More shots were fired into a truck driven by a woman who pulled up attempting to get a tag number off the suspects’ four-door brown car. That victim had already called 911 and saw the suspects flee outbound on Woodbury Pike.

A regional “be on look out” was immediately broadcast by RCSO Communications. A Woodbury police officer spotted the vehicle and began chase, asking for assistance from Cannon County deputies.

The car was stopped, and a .40-caliber Glock was recovered along with cash and other evidence linking them to the bar robbery.

The only thing these dummies didn’t do was leave behind a note with their home address. Presuming they can write.