NEWS from the Borowitz Report


Kalifa/Getty

In a judicial decision that has stirred controversy in the Lone Star State, Texas has been temporarily forced to recognize women as humans.

The incendiary decision, handed down by U.S. District Court Judge Robert Pitman, enables women to “come out of the shadows” and be granted rights similar to those enjoyed by other humans in Texas.

In an emotional press conference, the Texas governor, Greg Abbott, called the judge’s decision to confer human status on women “a dark day in the history of our great state.”

He warned that the state could face mass immigration from women “once word gets out that Texas considers them equivalent to human beings.”

“The voters of Texas did not put me in office to allow women to be treated as humans,” he said, choking back tears. “As long as I can draw a breath, this will not stand.”

For the few people (probably) in Texas who don’t get the concept of satire, I’ve been asked to include the words “this is satire” to make it clear and comprehensible even to Texas Republicans.

Think you and your kids are safe?


Timberview High School parking lot, Arlington, Texas

Watching the news, this morning. Shooting in a classroom in a Texas high school has come to this view. Dozens of cop cars…they’re trying to find the shooter.

“Let’s put it out on the local news and tell parents to stay away.” You know what’s going to happen, right away. Every parent who hears that jumps in the family cqr (or pickup) and heads to the school. Except the cops have already setup road blocks because they knew what would happen.

So, the freeway is backing up because parents are getting as close as possible to the school…and then simply parking along the edge of the freeway to climb over the railings, fence, to run to the school to help their kids, to help the cops.

Except, this is Texas, after all. Everyone learned how to be a hero from watching John Wayne movies. So, now – the biggest danger is from all the parents who grabbed their rifles – bring ’em along to help the cops, right?

I am so glad my wife and her kin moved out of Arlington and Texas, years ago.

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Yes, I realize the TV reporter who told us about parents carrying their rifles to the school – might just be full of crap. All part of it, folks.

Ted Cruz: Booger on the Lip of Democracy

Trevor Noah has decided to pick on a man he calls “the booger on the lip of democracy.” That would be Senator Ted Cruz, the target of a scathing nine-minute segment on Tuesday night’s episode of The Daily Show. A faux documentary about the senator, narrated by correspondent Desi Lydic, it lampoons everything from Cruz’s adolescent aspirations of “world domination” to his ill-advised trip to Cancún amid Texas’s state of emergency in rapid succession.

Interesting article on a useless political parasite.

Texas Nearly Went Dark – AGAIN – Because Officials Misjudged Weather

Texas came uncomfortably close to another round of rolling blackouts Tuesday night because grid operators misjudged the weather.

The Electric Reliability Council of Texas, which manages most of the state’s grid, had counted on a mild cold front sweeping the state, lowering demand for power. It didn’t happen. As a result, demand on the grid was about 3,000 megawatts higher than anticipated — or the equivalent of 600,000 homes.

The forecasting error, coming as 25% of power generation was off line for seasonal repairs, was another grim reminder of the vulnerability of Texas’s grid. Two months ago, a deep winter freeze knocked out almost half the state’s generating capacity, leaving millions of people in the dark for days. But Tuesday’s weather was hardly extreme, and the close call has raised questions about whether the grid operator, known as Ercot, can prevent a repeat of the February energy crisis.

“It’s a disgrace for a power grid in modern times to struggle to keep the lights on during a mild day,” said Daniel Cohan, an associate professor of environmental engineering at Rice University.

No doubt that comment is echoed by millions of Texans who wonder who’s in charge and why haven’t they been fired by now. No, not just the Electric Reliability Council. Throw in the State Legislature and the feeble hacks inhabiting the governor’s mansion and outbuildings.

Tesla is building a secret battery in Texas. A VERY BIG battery!


Mark Felix/Bloomberg

Tesla is best known as an electric car company, but the firm also has a thriving business in battery storage—including utility-scale battery installations to support the electric grid. Bloomberg reports that Tesla is currently building a battery installation in Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s new home state of Texas. The project is in Angleton, about an hour south of Houston.

Tesla hasn’t publicized the project, which is operating under the name of an obscure Tesla subsidiary called Gambit Energy Storage LLC. When a Bloomberg photographer visited, a worker discouraged picture-taking and said the project was “secretive.” The project appears to consist of 20 large banks of batteries that have been covered by white sheets…

The installation will use lithium iron phosphate batteries that are expected to last 10 to 20 years. The document says that it will generate around $1 million in property tax revenue for the city of Angleton. The site will be unmanned but will be remotely monitored at all times, according to the document…

Cripes, you could produce a different documentary film, every week, on all the off-the-wall – but useful – projects Elon Musk is working on. Might do our boffins in Washington some good to take lessons.

Texas money loves their version of class warfare


Dan Christian Rojas/AP

Texas has the third-highest number of billionaires in America, most of them oil tycoons. Last week, the laissez-faire state energy market delivered a bonanza to oil and gas producers that managed to keep production going during the freeze. It was “like hitting the jackpot”, boasted the president of Comstock Resources on an earnings call. Jerry Jones, billionaire owner of the Dallas Cowboys, holds a majority of Comstock’s shares.

But most other Texans were marooned. Some did perish…

Lower-income Texans, white as well as Black and Latino, are taking it on the chin in many other ways. Texas is one of the few states that hasn’t expanded Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act, leaving the share of Texans without health insurance twice the national average, the largest uninsured population of any state. Texas has double the national average of children in poverty and a higher rate of unemployment than the nation’s average.

The tactic isn’t new, of course. Standard operating procedure for the top of the money pile for decades, centuries. Owning and controlling mass communications and political parties in the two main streams of pop culture politics remains the usual drill. Still, there is an insurgency growing…and I doubt Texas can continue to be the Lone Star exception.